Words by Alana Harris.
To put it bluntly, navigating your twenties can be really fucking confusing. Between finding your footing with new amounts of freedom and independence, comparing your journey to those around you and just trying to figure out what the hell you want to do with your life, things can get overwhelming pretty fast.
I can confidently say that this twenty-something turbulence is very much present in my life and is a feeling that first started to rear its head as my university experience was coming to an end.
After three years of solid structure in the form of lectures, assignments and exams, the path ahead of me was suddenly empty of anything concrete. It was the first time in my life where I felt fully alone in deciding what was next, and where for some this might have filled them with excitement, for me, I became filled with anxiety and dread, feelings that were fueled by a hidden desire to always have everything figured out.
At the end of my university experience, it started to become clear to me that all of the academic systems and structures that had acted as an odd version of a safety blanket for so many years, were about to be violently yanked away.
My unease over the next chapter of my life turned into determination to figure out my next steps in the hopes that it would get rid of the chest tightening ‘what the fuck am I going to do now’ anxiety I was experiencing.
Alongside these what the fuck feelings of anxiety, were feelings of not being ready for the world of work. I couldn’t help but feel that despite the fact that I’d just spent three years learning and honing my skills in a singular subject, I was still completely unequipped and unqualified for a professional job role.
My imposter syndrome, desire to figure things out and aspiration for ‘success’ intermingled. I steered myself into thinking that I absolutely had to get some professional experience under my belt so that I could make my CV more impressive and hopefully ease my feelings of unreadiness for the world of work.
I thrust myself into applying for summer internships, work experience opportunities and entry level job roles, all whilst completing my final year assignments. Amongst many rejections and ignored applications, I was lucky enough to successfully bag a remote internship for the summer.
It may not come as a surprise however that this turned out not to be the best move, seeing as it was fully motivated by feelings of fear, inadequacy and pressure to be ‘successful’.
I spent the summer completing a three month internship that I just wasn’t happy within, because in applying, I was only listening to the things I thought I had to do, rather than what I truly wanted to.
The internship became one of the first and biggest lessons of my early twenties, because it forced me to start thinking about what I truly wanted from the years ahead of me, and made it clear I needed to start making decisions that were much more true to myself.
Armed with this new life lesson, post-internship, I made the decision to fully move out from home and live in Brighton, but I also decided I was going to step away from the desperate search that was figuring out what career path to embark on.
Instead, I got a full-time job in a cafe and focussed on taking away the pressure I had previously put on myself to have every move for the next five years figured out.
Of course, this did not rid me of other newfound stresses like paying rent, bills and council tax, but it did act as a sigh of relief and alleviated some pressure for a hot minute.
I momentarily managed to feel genuine success in my choice to step away from the search for career-related conclusions, and instead give myself some time to just breathe.
Unfortunately this breathing time eventually became interrupted by me comparing my path to those around me.
Despite the fact I was living away from home, financially supporting myself and finding a balance between work and life, I started to feel inadequate in comparison to those around me. At every new job announcement post on Insta, or every pub discussion about a friend getting a pay rise, I’d have to forcibly remind myself not to compare, and to stay in my own lane, focused on my own path.
It actually still baffles me that I knew concretely at that time that I did not want to be in a career related job role, yet somehow was still left feeling inferior in comparison to people around me who were, even if they weren’t fully happy with their job themselves. Comparison culture was well and truly taking a hold of my twenties and I just couldn’t seem to stop it in its tracks.
Cutting out the comparison is still something I’m working on and I’m trying to do so by transitioning the comparison into recognition. Instead of seeing other people’s paths as a threat, I’m trying to just see them as different.
In recognising the diversity of the journeys of the people around me, I’m genuinely starting to feel at ease with the fact that we’re all going to journey through life differently, in a way that’s unique, and fitted us as individuals.
I’m continually reminding myself that feeling lost, despite being scary and unfamiliar, is more than okay. There’s not an unspoken race going on between people, and that means that not having figured things out doesn’t mean you’re falling behind or failing.
I’ve started to find success in not giving in to feelings of fear, and instead getting on with life regardless. Every time I do things like getting the weekly food shop done, paying my electricity bill and completing a clothes wash, I recognise these as triumphs because it’s so important to praise yourself for even the everyday accomplishments.
I’m using my twenties to explore who I am and what I want to get out of life, but I’m in no real rush to find the answers. I want to be honest with myself every step of the way, and that means taking it slow, and knowing that I’m exactly where I’m meant to be.
